Sound Fat

Yesterday I hate to admit it freely but I was a slacker.

Here's the breakdown:
1. Blog - no :(
2. Burn - no :(
3. Yoga - no :(
4. Water - no :(
5. Eat 3 and 1 - no :(
6. Meditate - yes
7. Guitar - no :(
8. Read - yes
9. Thank yous - yes
10. Vitamins - honestly can't remember
11. Tracking - yes

Actually now that I run through the list, I realize I did more than I thought I had. Yay for me. I just need to do more of the rest too. I was super busy yesterday then tired by the time I got home so I had no energy to blog or practice my guitar. I skipped the gym. My legs are still seriously destroyed from Sunday. I still could have swam but I didn't. No excuses. I just didn't. I drank some water but no where near the 60oz. I ate healthy meals but missed my snack and was under calories for the day. Oh well, today is a new day and I'm prepared to hit everything on the list except for the yoga.

Yesterday, I got a comment from some jackass that said "you sound fat". Now, I could easily write his rude and unnecessary comment off as the workings of a lunatic heckler. Most people would probably stew in it feeling victimized and hurt and sad and get angry. Not me. I will admit that when I read it, it definitely took me by surprise because I've gotten use to seeing comments from the same few people over and over again and they have all been the uplifting fuzzy feeling kind.

Let's just say for argument sake that this comment was not meant to be hurtful but instead comes from a place of interest and concern. Here me out. We as humans tend to be stuck in our own little world with our own little experiences and perceptions and thoughts about the comings and goings around us. In this little world of ours, we see it only from the inside and because it is OUR own little world, we experience it how we choose to. Others can see our world and choose to judge it in a very different way than we do and in fact, each person judges it differently based on their own little experiences, perceptions and thoughts.

I know for me, when I've been through something before or witness others go through an experience and either crumble under the pressure of it or sail through, I take a mental note. My mental note might read something like this: Dear Salina, you've struggled through this horrible endeavor for x amount of time and you've made some mistakes which include ___. When you made those mistakes, you did ____ to overcome and it worked. Because you never want to go through this endeavor again, please remember not to make the mistakes listed above. Oh and PS, when you see others going down the same path, do what you can to help them out.

I think we all do this. We all try to learn from our mistakes and perhaps from other's mistakes as well. Then when we see others starting to experience something similar to a tag in one of our mental notes, we grab the note and then make a judgement of the other person based on what we know to be true for ourselves. Example: I judged my workout buddy the other day based on my own experiences. She seemed to be a little ho-hum about working out this week using what appeared to be rationalizing statements as to why it's okay that she skip the gym a few days. One of the statements was that one bad week and three good ones isn't so bad. My brain said "woooo doggy". That has been my problem for...um....EVER. I have consistently had 3 good weeks and 1 of disaster. I've talked about that before. So, obviously, I pulled out my mental note and called her out on my perception of the situation and said I just didn't want her to regret her decisions later like I have so many times in the past. It came from a place of love and support but it was a judgement none the less.

What if, this comment is just a glimpse from the world outside of me. What if someone that is not fat and has never been fat or who was once fat and is no longer fat read my stuff and said to him/herself "she sounds like a fat person in how she writes, in how she approaches her little world, in how she views herself". Now it would be really easy to just say it's rude and judgemental. But what's not so easy is to consider the validity of this message if of course my journey to the land of "Whatif" actually revealed some version of the truth.

Perhaps it's true. Perhaps I do SOUND FAT. I don't want to be fat, sound fat, look fat, feel fat. Not like anyone does. The good thing though is that I really FEEL different. I definitely use to identify with all those fat statements. I'm not going to say that I'm over it completely because I know I'm not. But, I know that I'm changing. I know that I'm doing all the right things for me. Not so I don't have to be or sound fat anymore but because the things I'm doing are good for me as a person, they're good for my soul. And I believe that if I take good care of my soul, the body and mind will inevitably follow.

Our experiences are not a reflection of who we are in the moment, they are a reflection of the choices we made previously. I know I'm making different choices and in doing so, am seeing myself and the world in a different light. Logic and reason would say that if I continue the good actions getting me the feelings I'm getting, I will only continue to experience the world differently than I have in the past. And if I'm correct (which I always am) it will only take time to see the changes reflect in my body as well.

Although I think the person who wrote the comment did so unnecessarily, I'm keeping it because it's just another reminder that my world is bigger than just how I see it. Also, who knows what their little experiences, perceptions, and thoughts are in their little world. Maybe someday soon I can read that comment again and realize that I no longer sound fat and I can celebrate how far I've come from where I am at this very moment.