It's true. I've had a bad attitude for as long as I can remember. I'm serious. I think the first memory I have of my bad attitude dates back to when I was seven years old. Seven? Wow, writing it down as a confession just seems sad doesn't it. Seven year old kids are suppose to be playful and carefree. Not me. I mean don't get me wrong, I had my kid fun too but I also had a darker sarcastic sense of humor that has only developed more as I have aged. Thanks dad. :)
I've been called all kinds of things because of this so called bad attitude. Bitch, cruel, mean, negative, angry, evil, Satan (as a joking nick name once upon a time with friends). Yes, I've had all kinds of therapy over the years. Believe it or not, I'm waaaayyyy nicer and happier now than I once was. :) hehe.
Today, a very good friend of mine decided to give me a little evaluation on what she thinks my problem is and why I have the silly cycle of working my butt off then sabotaging myself. It was welcomed of course. She read my blogs and said "you just seem kinda angry in some of them". So that's it...I'm still an angry person? No, that's not it...at least I don't think that's it. Here's the list:
- Angry
- Control Freak
- Set and push myself to outrageously high standards
- Too analytical (with my spreadsheets tracking my calories in and calories out)
- Too much stress
- I'm just an intense person
- Oh and don't forget the possible hormone issue
Wow, I'm a mess. I'll admit that yes I have control freak tendencies, yes I set high standards and I expect myself to push to achieve them, yes I am analytical, yes I am stressed out, and yes I'm definitely intense. I'm not sure if I would still consider myself an overall angry person though. I think I get situationally angry. I mean I don't just wake up angry and stay that way all day every day. But, I do or can be in a perfectly lovely mood and someone or something can just irritate the shit out me and poof, I get angry.
Honestly, I think most of my problem lies in the control freak tendencies and a lack of peace in my life. At the beginning of the year, I decided I wanted to finally learn how to play my classical guitar. I've had it for several years and tried a couple times by myself but never got the hang of it. So I found a classical guitar instructor that I just love to death. Colt Valenti. I've been taking lessons every week with him. One of the things that attracted me to the classical guitar and learning to play classical music is that it takes a level of emotional peace and relaxation to play well and improve with practice and time of course. Emotional peace and relaxation have never been my strong points, so I thought, learning to play would help me harness those things and bring them into my life on a more consistent basis. It did. But, I've just noticed a pattern I have with that as well. When I'm all wound up and intense or stressed out or angry or whatever, I avoid practicing like the plague.
Solution time. I'm a solver. Don't like to dwell on the why and where did it come from too long. I prefer to find a solution and take action.
- Practice my guitar more because when I do, it makes me happy :)
- I've been telling myself for months that I want to start meditating regularly. Start.
- Every morning on my way to work, I try to run through a gratitude list. Sometimes I get off track and other times I'm great at it. Do it.
- Yoga is another thing that brings me right back to earth when I'm all wound up. Do more.
- Read more. I came across another blogger who seems to be in a bit of a rutt too. I commented on one of her posts and in my comment, I suggested a book that I swear has magical powers for pulling my head out of my ass when I need it. Time to pull it out again. The book that is...well I suppose my head too. :) The blogger. The book: The Secret of the Ages by Robert Collier.
BTW...Thanks BV! Love you so much it's retarded. :)
I do like comments and feedback so don't be shy...the few of you that actually read my drivel.
My happy place. :)
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