You are BEAUTIFUL and I LOVE you

Fat Ass!
Fatty!
Pig!
Oiker!
Lard butt!
Fat girl!
Chubby chick!
Fat bastard!


Okay, now I have a few questions
Would you EVER let anyone get away with calling you any of these names?
Why not?
Oh...it's not nice and it hurts your feelings? Really?


Let me tell you a little story. Earlier this year, I went to Vegas with a group of people. So one night, we all dressed to the nines and were ready to hit the town. Myself and my friend Bri were heading through one of the hotel lobbies to meet a few others for some pre-party drinks. Let me just tell you about my friend real quick. She happens to be a few years younger than I, 4 inches taller, long blond hair, beautifully thin in every way, and did I mention she has a perfect rack.

Anyway, we were walking down a hallway and were passed by a couple guys. I don't know...probably in their late 20's or early 30's. Close enough to my age group I suppose. Of course they both started drooling when they saw Bri in her skin tight mini dress. Then, one of them glanced over at me and very non chelant said "hey fatty" and just kept on walking by like he said nothing at all. Honestly, I don't even think Bri heard him. BUT I DID.

I've been called a "fatty" one other time by yet another random guy. I can't remember that specific situation because it was so long ago but I remember the feeling. I remember the thoughts that went through my head. They were pretty much the same thoughts I had in Vegas. If you've ever been involved in one of these drive by situations, I'm sure you can figure it out.

It didn't register right away. He said "hey fatty" as he was in full stride passing me by. It was a drive by verbal assault. I didn't realize what had just happened until they were already lost in the crowd behind us. Yup, when I realized it, I stopped and turned around to see if he was still in sight. Immediate feeling was embarrassment. I didn't want Bri to hear them say that because she would have literally chased them down and bitch slapped them. I was embarrassed enough already. I didn't want more. Then, after I let it settle a second or two, I got outrageously pissed off. I was literally thinking of all the wonderful things I could do to this guy to publicly humiliate him and verbally abuse him to the point of him needing to call suicide hot line. I may be small, and I may be fat but I'm a master at verbal combat for sure.

So, I tried to just pretend it didn't happen. I've been working on being a nicer and more accepting person this year so it was definitely best for me to not chase him down and pound him into a bloody little pulp. We met our friends for drinks and dinner and I couldn't get it out of my head. I didn't say anything to anyone though. I just didn't want to deal with the inevitable responses from my wonderful friends. You know what I'm talking about. "Don't listen to him, he's a drunk douche bag and you're beautiful". Or the "Ahhhh...oh no...are you serious...that's just wrong. I'm sooooo sorry that happened to you. Is there anything we can do to make you feel better? I know...more drinks." You know how it goes, right?

I just couldn't shake it. All night I felt like a fat ass pig faced blob that had no right to feel pretty or be dressed up with all the beautiful people. I thought about it the entire way home too. It actually took me a couple days to get over it. I think the hard part wasn't being called a "fatty" but that I was disappointed in myself for being embarrassed and not chasing that fucker down and seriously getting myself thrown in jail.

Why did I decide to tell you this very private moment from my memory bank?

I'll tell you why. If we wouldn't let others call us those horrible names because it's hurtful and mean....WHY DO WE CALL OURSELVES THOSE THINGS? AND WHY DO WE THINK IT'S OK? I've noticed quite a few people in blog world referring to themselves as some of these horrible names as though it's a funny tag line or something. I see blog titles and posts joking about this stuff and honestly, it makes me sad. I'm no saint. I've definitely done plenty of damage to myself too. But, if you'll notice, my blog is talking about where I want to be not dwelling on where I am.

I am a serious believer in the power of suggestion and the laws of attraction. If I spend all my time hating my body and making fun of it and torturing myself because of my failures or my struggles, no wonder I'm not happy and keep seeing all the same results (fat, fat, and oh...still more fat). Well, logic would say that if you change your thoughts about your body and yourself, maybe you could experience some version of happy or at least get a little taste of it.

If you're guilty of doing this to yourself, please, I beg of you...stop it. Do what you can to start liking yourself exactly how you are. Look at your nakedness in the mirror and honestly tell yourself that you ARE BEAUTIFUL and I LOVE YOU. You expect your boyfriends, husbands, girlfriends, and wives to do it, so why don't you do it for yourself?


A couple things I'm doing lately that is starting to help me be a little nicer to myself:

• Gratitude list. Every morning on my drive to work, I talk to my version of a higher power and I say thank you for all the things in my life that I like, that I don't like, that irritate me, that make me happy, basically everything I can think of. I usually only touch on one or two each day but when I do it, I really make sure I feel it. I make sure that my heart is screaming THANK YOU SOOOOO MUCH for whatever it is.


• Meditate. I've been slower to make this a habit but I'm trying. Just take a few minutes in the morning when it's quiet and there are no distractions to just breathe. Focus on your breath and how perfectly your body was built to use that breath to feed your brain and your muscles and your organs. Focus on how it sounds, how it feels, how it smells. Try to engage all your senses just being in a quiet moment with yourself.


• Affirmations. If you can't look at your nakedness and honestly say "you are beautiful and I love you" then you might want to consider affirmations. Write out a couple things that you like about yourself. If you can't think of anything you like about yourself, write compliments you've received from others. Then when you have a couple things on the list, look in the mirror and run through the list...out loud. Keep the list and just add one or two things to it whenever you think of them or whenever someone else pays you a compliment. Eventually, you'll have a huge list of just how wonderful you are and you'll have no choice but to believe it. ;)

I don't want to sound preachy or anything because that's just not my intention at all. Like I said, I'm VERY guilty of doing this kind of damage to myself which is probably a huge reason why I've been struggling with my weight for 10+ years. But I want to fix it, I'm trying to fix it. I want support from anywhere and everywhere I can find it. AND I want to be support for anyone and everyone that wants or needs it.

Here is Bri and I in Vegas.

Activity check in for the day: Everything done but the water. I only drank about 30 oz today.