Black Bird Beautiful

I'm usually not one to stop and smell the roses so to speak. I tend to go super speed through life pointing to things I pass along the way to acknowledge their existence. Now that I think about it, I do that quite a bit actually. I see, acknowledge, and may even comment about them because as I'm sure you've figured out by now, I do have an opinion on most everything in the world.

Every so often though, I get the bizarre feeling that the world around me slows to a crawling pace as if to suggest that I had better look up from whatever list I'm reviewing or master plan I'm concocting just to witness a distinct beauty presented before me. I got that feeling today.

I left work just as I do every day and hopped in my car. Off I went, buzzing around town heading for the freeway toward home. I was sitting at a stop light waiting to turn left onto the onramp when it happened. In my head, I was running through what I would be doing when I got to the gym, how long I would do it, and plotting out step by step what the rest of my day would consist of when woosh...there it was. Everything slowed.

I noticed a white pickup truck in front of me as we are turning to get on the freeway. In the bed of the truck, there was a dancing swarm of all different colored fall foliage. Now, I want to make sure you understand what I mean by dancing swarm. Typically if leaves are disturbed by a gush of wind, they fly every which way in no pattern or noticable repetition. Well, these leaves looked as though they were following a choreographed routine set to the music of the wind. The other phenomenon that struck me was that very few of them were actually flying out of the truck. They were neatly contained in their melodic performance and it was spectacular.

Then, when I eventually made it home, I realized that I had forgotten to eat my snack and was famished. So, I grabbed a bowl, a spoon, measured and poored my milk and cereal and stood at my back window looking over my beautiful new back yard (I completely relandscaped my property this summer).

The weather outside was spotty rain and very windy. I noticed off in the distance a group of trees maybe five or six thick. There were a few black birds or perhaps crows, whatever they might have been. Anyway, there were a few birds dotting the sky over the trees but nothing out of the ordinary. So I stood just watching the trees swaying in the wind which is beautiful in and of itself when all of a sudden a huge disturbance. Immediately, there were hundreds of birds filling the sky. Where did they all come from? There were a hand full and then there were hundreds just like that. Did they all just arrive from a distance or were they disturbed from their resting places in the trees I was watching? I couldn't tell but couldn't help but wonder what the disturbance might have been if they hadn't just arrived.

I watched them circle the trees and chase each other two on two swooping and diving as if to play a game of keep away or a bird version of tag. They also seemed to be enjoying the wind as they hovered in place with wings spread wide. I wonder what it would feel like to float on the wind feeling the breeze blow through you like that. Would it be a powerful and freeing feeling? I guess I got lost in watching their antics for a moment or maybe more, I can't be sure. The next thing I knew, the sky was clear again. Only a couple birds in sight. Where had they all gone? Why had they all gone? Was the disturbance or potential threat gone leaving their trees safe to inhabit again? Or had the wind died down a bit ending their lovely play time?

In that moment, standing at my back window watching the birds in the wind and trees swaying, I found myself feeling happy. Content. Peaceful. Every time I experience this slowing affect, I feel something in me connect to the earth. Every time, I wish I could recreate it. Every time, I eventually lose it and forget that it happened until the next time when I'm reminded in the beauty of these moments. Then I realized, how lucky I am to get to experience that feeling at all. Watching, feeling, hearing, being beauty in a particular moment in time.



I had a lovely day. How about you?

My Other Problem(s)

In yesterday's post, I talked about hormones being one problem. Now what about the rest? Well...I can sum it up into two words. Bad Attitude.

It's true. I've had a bad attitude for as long as I can remember. I'm serious. I think the first memory I have of my bad attitude dates back to when I was seven years old. Seven? Wow, writing it down as a confession just seems sad doesn't it. Seven year old kids are suppose to be playful and carefree. Not me. I mean don't get me wrong, I had my kid fun too but I also had a darker sarcastic sense of humor that has only developed more as I have aged. Thanks dad. :)

I've been called all kinds of things because of this so called bad attitude. Bitch, cruel, mean, negative, angry, evil, Satan (as a joking nick name once upon a time with friends). Yes, I've had all kinds of therapy over the years. Believe it or not, I'm waaaayyyy nicer and happier now than I once was. :) hehe.

Today, a very good friend of mine decided to give me a little evaluation on what she thinks my problem is and why I have the silly cycle of working my butt off then sabotaging myself. It was welcomed of course. She read my blogs and said "you just seem kinda angry in some of them". So that's it...I'm still an angry person? No, that's not it...at least I don't think that's it. Here's the list:

• Angry


• Control Freak


• Set and push myself to outrageously high standards


• Too analytical (with my spreadsheets tracking my calories in and calories out)


• Too much stress


• I'm just an intense person


• Oh and don't forget the possible hormone issue

Wow, I'm a mess. I'll admit that yes I have control freak tendencies, yes I set high standards and I expect myself to push to achieve them, yes I am analytical, yes I am stressed out, and yes I'm definitely intense. I'm not sure if I would still consider myself an overall angry person though. I think I get situationally angry. I mean I don't just wake up angry and stay that way all day every day. But, I do or can be in a perfectly lovely mood and someone or something can just irritate the shit out me and poof, I get angry.

Honestly, I think most of my problem lies in the control freak tendencies and a lack of peace in my life. At the beginning of the year, I decided I wanted to finally learn how to play my classical guitar. I've had it for several years and tried a couple times by myself but never got the hang of it. So I found a classical guitar instructor that I just love to death. Colt Valenti. I've been taking lessons every week with him. One of the things that attracted me to the classical guitar and learning to play classical music is that it takes a level of emotional peace and relaxation to play well and improve with practice and time of course. Emotional peace and relaxation have never been my strong points, so I thought, learning to play would help me harness those things and bring them into my life on a more consistent basis. It did. But, I've just noticed a pattern I have with that as well. When I'm all wound up and intense or stressed out or angry or whatever, I avoid practicing like the plague.

Solution time. I'm a solver. Don't like to dwell on the why and where did it come from too long. I prefer to find a solution and take action.

1. Practice my guitar more because when I do, it makes me happy :)


2. I've been telling myself for months that I want to start meditating regularly. Start.


3. Every morning on my way to work, I try to run through a gratitude list. Sometimes I get off track and other times I'm great at it. Do it.


4. Yoga is another thing that brings me right back to earth when I'm all wound up. Do more.


5. Read more. I came across another blogger who seems to be in a bit of a rutt too. I commented on one of her posts and in my comment, I suggested a book that I swear has magical powers for pulling my head out of my ass when I need it. Time to pull it out again. The book that is...well I suppose my head too. :) The blogger. The book: The Secret of the Ages by Robert Collier.

BTW...Thanks BV! Love you so much it's retarded. :)

I do like comments and feedback so don't be shy...the few of you that actually read my drivel.

My happy place. :)