Weigh in Day #40 - What? Fear? Excuses? Bahhhh

I have a bunch to blab about but let's just cut to the news right off, shall we?

Last Week: 160.4
This Week: 159

What? What's that? 1.4lbs gone baby, gone!

I've got my fingers crossed that it's not going to be a repeat of last week and 2 months ago where I was teased with the 150's only to find out later that it was a cruel joke. I feel good about it this week though. I really do. I feel like I've legitimately earned it not only with the food and exercise but with the stress management as well because we all know how psycho my body is about any stress.

Now for the blab.

Have any of you been reading about MizFit and her NoExcuses stuff? If not, I highly recommend it. Good stuff. Well, I decided to jump on that band wagon and ride it till the wheels fall off. So here's what I'm going to do. I've got a couple fears that I'm going to discuss but one of them is more about my fitness stuff so I'll be talking about fears and excuses both here and over at Living Active.

I've chosen to address two fears here.
1. Writing
2. Career

I've been saying that I wanted to write a book since, well forever really. When I was a little girl, I wanted to be a scientist and wear a white lab coat. I wanted to be an astronaut. I wanted to be a ballerina. I wanted to be a multilingual interpreter for the government (I know, I was a weird kid). And I wanted to be a writer. Somewhere throughout the years, I managed to get over the scientist and the astronaut dreams. I didn't focus enough on learning all the languages so I kissed that career path goodbye. And I'm not built for ballet so that was just not going to happen. But the writer thing has always stuck with me.

Every time I find myself soul searching because I happen to be bored or unhappy with a job, I pray. In the prayer, I ask for a sign to tell me what I should be doing with myself. I ask for the sign to present itself in a message that I cannot ignore. "Please make it huge and blinking and neon so I don't miss it" I say. I have yet to see a huge blinking neon sign that says "SALINA, IT'S TIME TO WRITE, NOW!" but I do hear a voice in my head delivering that message every time I pray. I hear the inner voice and yet still choose to ignore it. Why? Um.... because I'm scared. 

The excuses I make:

• I have no idea what to write about
• I don't even know how to write
• There are a million wannabe writers out there, what makes me think I'm special
• Even if I had something to write about, I don't have the first idea how to organize my thoughts to start
• I feel like I need to dedicate myself to writing and I'm always so busy with other things

The ridiculousness:

• No idea what to write about, how to write in general, or how to start? Seriously? 1st off, those are just lies. I have a list of book ideas that slowly grows over the years. I do know how to write, I just haven't even tried getting started. And if it really is a matter of education or lack thereof, that's easily remedied. TAKE A FREAKIN CLASS! Join a writing club. Do something, anything. Just start.
• Wannabe writers? Um...every published writer started out by being a wannabe writer. No one is just going to come knocking on my door to offer me a book deal if I never write anything.
• Me, not special? Whatever! That's another line of BS. I've never met anyone else that has had my life experiences before. Nor have I met anyone that shares the same twisted views of the world. Whether I want to believe it or not, I'm unique and I have plenty to contribute.
• Busy? Time is a subjective concept. By that I mean that we have plenty of time for the things that we decide are priorities. If we want to make time for something, we do it. If we don't, we don't. If there hasn't been any time in my life to dedicate to writing, then it's because I haven't prioritized writing accordingly. Time is all within my control.

I've been in my current professional role for almost 2 years now. Not very long in the grand scheme of things I will admit but for me, it feels like a lifetime. It's not that I'm unhappy where I am. I like what I'm doing enough to not be miserable. And I adore the people I work with and for. Really, I've got a good thing here. So what's the problem? Why bring it up? The problem is more that I'm bored and severely underpaid. I've mentioned in other posts that I get bored fairly quickly and work is no exception. I require constant growth and challenge and education to keep me engaged. Once I feel stagnant or that I've figured something out, I'm done with it and ready to move on. I had my job figured out and mastered at about 6 months. Then I realized that there was really nothing else for me to learn or do to grow my position. Obvious question: Why not just leave? Um....fear.

Excuses:

• I have no idea what I want to do with myself
• I don't feel like I know anyone that can help me get to somewhere I don't know I want to be
• I don't want to be stuck in Seattle forever. I want to travel and live elsewhere.
• I don't want to take another "job" and be bored again in 6months
• I don't want to put a bunch of work into networking and resume revising and hunting if I'm going to watch it all fall apart AGAIN

Ridiculousness:

• I dedicated myself throughout my college career to pursuing a very specific path that relied on the state of the economy then when the economy went in the toilet, so did all my plans and hard work because the jobs were just gone. That made me feel like a complete and total failure. The truth is that it wasn't my fault. I didn't know that was going to happen.
• Not knowing what to do with myself? Again, it's just a lie to hide behind. My education and many years of professional experience point me in a very clear direction. It's just not the direction I originally defined for myself so I've chosen to ignore it.
• Not knowing anyone who can help me? Another lie. I know people who can help me. I just haven't asked them. Why? Pride. Fear.
• Geography. I don't even want to address this one because it's just stupid. Not looking for other work is keeping me stuck in Seattle. Talk about self fulfilling prophesy. And really, what's so wrong with Seattle anyway? Well, rain and lots of it.
• Being bored again? Aren't I already bored? Yes. Duh...
• Scared to waste my time and effort again? Well, first of all, it wasn't a waste of time. I learned a lot and gained even more experience. Transferable knowledge and skills are valuable no matter what happens around me. And secondly, failure only exists if we don't try. Another self fulfilling prophesy? Me thinks so.

So now the question is: That's nice, but what are you going to do about it?

Writing

1. My favorite Bombshell is going to be starting an online artists way group. Count me in!
2. Find and sign up for a writing class maybe
3. Pick something from my list of book ideas to start writing about
4. Schedule time for myself to write
5. Write!

Career

1. Revise my resume
2. Reach out to my network and ask for help

Come and check out my fitness related fears (Punk Rope - Excuses! Excuses!) over at Living Active. Don't forget to vote for the August activity of the month.

Okay, now it's your turn! What goals, fears, excuses have you been struggling with? What have you done or are you planning to do about it?

Fear Monster

I've never been one to pay much attention to fear. I come from the school of hard knocks and typically learn from others' failures. I never had a roll model to follow so I watch what is around me, decide what I don't want and do the opposite of what I see others do. At least that was the way in which I got myself to this point in life.

I could have ended up in prison, on the streets, knocked up and living in a single wide built out of beer can bricks, beaten up by pimps, cracked out, or dead. But I didn't. I took what I had and turned it into what I wanted it to be. I didn't do that by being afraid all the time. It would have been impossible to get anywhere or accomplish anything if I gave up because I was scared.

For a short time, I feel like I lost a little piece of myself recently. I started hiding out because I was afraid.

Afraid of what? Seriously! I don't have to worry about drug dealers and drunk red necks trying to take advantage of me. I have a nice house, I work in a professional capacity for a well known and established company, my husband is a better man than I ever thought I would end up with, I have hobbies and friends and interests and time to spend. What in the world could I really have to be afraid of?

The answer I think is failure. There have been a number of things in recent months that remind me of some of the goals I've wanted and worked very hard to accomplish in my life but for whatever reasons never quite worked out. Instead of asking myself what I can do about it and then do it (like I've always done in the past), I chose to feel sorry for myself. I chose to judge myself. I chose to go with the "why me?" scenario. Then when I saw myself doing that, I judged myself for making that choice instead of getting up to fight for what I want.

Why bother if all your hard work is going to amount to shit anyway?
No one who made promises ever followed through on them before, why would you think they could now?
You already wasted how much money and time and effort on those stupid goals, where'd it get you? NOWHERE Stupid!

I know, I'm a total bitch right. Yes, I can be. I've never been good at balance. I've never been good at giving myself permission to be just ok. If I'm not the best, the brightest, the fastest, I'm shit. Combine that with a lack of patience and you get a recipe for emotional disaster. And that's what happened to my head in the past couple of months.

A couple things that I'm having to remind myself in order to get back to a path that works:

• The harder one works, the more lucky they tend to be
• Even the best, the brightest, and the fastest had to start somewhere
• It's guaranteed failure if I never try but odds of success increase exponentially with effort
• Success is about progress, not perfection

So what if not everything I've attempted in my life has resulted in perfect success. How unrealistic is that expectation anyway? I'll go with VERY. Most screamingly successful people had to experience their own fair share of failure before they finally arrived. Maybe it's just my time to pass through that initiation right.

It's time to give myself permission to not be perfect. I'm allowed to be vulnerable. I'm allowed to have moments of weakness. I'm allowed to ask for help. That's the stuff that makes me human. That's the stuff that makes me loveable. I've never understood that before. My opinion has always been to appear strong and independent always. Never show weakness. Never show fear. Never show pain. It did me a great service at one time in my life but there's no need for it anymore.

Perhaps I just shed another layer of my armor. Well, lookie there. I'm growing right before your very eyes.

Risks, Fears, Opportunities, Lists

My favorite Bombshell has written a lovely blog today all about fear that keeps us from blossoming into the people we can be.

I hate hate hate to admit this because I am SuperWoman afterall but I have quite a few stupid little fears and doubts that keep me from taking some of the risks I could take. Just yesterday, I was talking to Hubby about feeling listless lately. I'm just bored. Bored with work. Bored and disgusted with the money I make. Bored with family. Bored with friends. Bored with hobbies. Bored with blogging. Bored with food. Bored with exercise. Bored. I'm bored with everything.

I've always felt and said and thought that I'm supposed to have a big life. There's something waiting to just unfold in front of me somewhere on my path but I've been hanging out in a comfort zone so I haven't quite rounded the corner to find whatever it is that's waiting for me.

So the question that pops into my mind is why. Why am I just hanging out? What's keeping me from skipping forward with joy and freedom? What am I afraid of? What can I do to set myself free? I guess that's a couple questions actually.

I'm feeling a little jumbled so...lists. :)

I'm afraid:
That it's going to become undeniable that I'm in the wrong life.
That I'm going to realize that I don't fit where I am nor where I think I want to be.
Of even more rejection than I've already experienced.
To let people down.
To commit to something having no freakin' idea how to do it.
Of regret.

I'm tired of:
Selling myself short.
Wasting my time and energy on people that aren't willing or able to invest in me.
Settling for what others think is good.
Living where I live.
Doing something that I don't care about...professionally.
Watching time pass by.
Making shit money.

Risks I can take:
Throw myself into looking for other work
Packing up my life and moving with or without a plan when I get there
Figure out what I really want to do with my life then just do it
Write one of the books that I've been wanting to write for the past 10 years
Move forward with an idea to make Living Active a career
Start building a business (even though I have no idea what kind of business I'd want to do)

What I need:
I don't know. Help?
It would probably help to know exactly what I want. What I thought I wanted and what I worked for for years and years all fell apart a couple years ago, so now, I'm just treading water until something comes along that looks like it'll fit.

What I want is:
To sell my house
To live in NY
To travel
To be able to play my guitar
To be multilingual (and keep it: I've learned multiple languages but never use them so I forget)
Adventure
Fun
Friends with ambition and interests that don't revolve around which diaper warmer they should register for
Money and lots of it
To make a big difference somehow, somewhere
A car that I don't feel the need to kick and call names
Freedom
Sex, sex, and more sex
To be a published author

If you don't already know this about me, allow me to inform you: I am an analytical driver personality which means that I'm a planner through and through then I take quick and severe action. That's just how I roll. Why would I share this little factoid with you? Because I'm preparing to end this post without a plan and without taking any action at all and I'm feeling very uncomfortable with it. I think I need to let this all sit for a little while to let the juices redistribute before I try cutting into it. I am by no means done with this little exercise though. Stay tuned...

P.S. Any advice or feedback you have about my little situation is always very much appreciated.

P.P.S. Notice that none of my complaints or fears above had anything to do with losing weight. That I have under control and am feeling fabulous about.

SuperWoman Whiner

I had this debate in my head quite often in the past couple weeks actually. I tend to harbor the SuperWoman complex where I really truly believe I can conquer the world even if it is just my own little world. There's just something in the core of who I am that says I can do anything and everything I put my mind to. I see no limitations too great, I take no nay-sayer's word for confidence, I believe all obstacles are placed to be overcome. So what's wrong with that? I mean isn't that what every person wants to believe? Isn't that the stuff that separates the strong from the weak? Isn't that a really really really good thing?

I think it is a good thing, definitely.

But, and here's the big but, it can sometimes get me into trouble.

I tend to take on far more than I should because I consistently overestimate my own abilities. Don't get me wrong, I'm just as efficient and driven as a person can be but sometimes, it becomes apparent that I do only have two hands and there is only 24 hours in a day. And the other side of it is more along the lines of what I've been struggling with for the past couple weeks. That is that I'm not so good at knowing when to say when and just allow myself to be human.

First, it started with an annoying little headache and some strange things happening with my right eye. So I was a good girl and took some over the counter drugs to deal with the headache. One didn't work so I tried something different. That didn't work so I just suffered with it for a few days going about my business working and reading and exercising like I normally do. One week went by and I had no relief. I mean it was constant. Never letting up not even for a minute or two. So I went to the doctor (which is something else I am not so good at doing) upon the incessant nagging of my lovely hubby. Doc said it was a migraine and told me to go back to the neurologist I saw last year. So I did. In the meantime, tried a couple migraine meds and pain meds and they didn't work. Again, I just decided to power through without any meds (something else I hate taking).

Three weeks, 21 days of a constant headache. 1 day of relief. I don't know, it just went away. Then I came down with a damn cold the very next day. I woke up perfectly healthy but by the end of the day, I was full on sick.

Talk about frustrating. Geez! I worked through the first 2 weeks of headaches but took a couple days off to just lay down and rest in the dark and the silence of my own home. I wasn't able to work, I wasn't able to read, I wasn't able to watch tv, I wasn't able to go outside and enjoy the beautiful sunshine, and I wasn't able to exercise. So when I had the day of relief, I was ecstatic. Thrilled! I was ready to take on the world again. But no, not so fast. The cold kept me off my feet for another 4-5 days. No fun, no work, no entertainment, no exercise for another few days.

It was really very difficult for me to first admit that I needed to rest. I just wanted to keep going. When I feel the fire burning inside me, I just have to go and go and go. When the wave is building, I just have to ride it. Then to have a hint of hope to get back to it be shattered by sniffles and snot and coughing and stuffy head was just devastating. I suppose I was just scared. Afraid that so much time away would knock me off the momentum and cause a lack of interest when it was time to resume my activities. Afraid that I was letting myself down and my Accountabilibuddy.

I have this internal dialogue when it comes to a decision on whether to suck it up and push through or rest. It goes something like this:

• Uho....I'm not feeling so good. Aaay just suck it up princess. You'll be fine.
• Ok. Good plan.
• But, I'm really not feeling good now. Wonder if I should take it easy?
• Maybe. No. Um...maybe. Yes. NO. SUCK IT UP! You'll be fine. It'll pass.
• Okay. Good plan.
• But wait, if I just suck it up and push through but really am starting to get sick, won't I make it worse?
• Maybe, but what if you're really not getting sick and you're just being a little too sensative and just need to suck it up and push through?
• True. Okay. Good plan. Let's do it.
• But, what if I am really getting sick? If I am and I just push through today, I could be taking myself out of the game for a few days by not stopping and resting.
• True. But what if you're just whining and it's really nothing?
• Ya. Okay. I'm tough. I can do it.

So you see? Am I completely insane or what? One moment I'm SuperWoman, the next I'm whining (or so is my perseption).

I am proud to say that I did recognize my limitations with the migraines and the cold. I pushed through for a while but then admitted when it was time to rest and take care of myself. It was not easy but I did it. I was not happy about it but I did it. And I'd like to add that the fears have been proven false. Not a step was lost, not a heart broken.

P.S. I know it's TT today. I've been reading about exercise testing and prescription. Very dry. Very boring. Very difficult to summarize. But something that was neat in reading it was that I was better able to understand the results of getting my own metabolism tested last year. I have page after page of VOmax, HRmax, etc. calculations and the reading I just completed better explained what it all meant. Sorry I'm totally sucking with this TT stuff. I will say this though. ACSM recommends 3-5 days/week of vigorous cardio exercise or 5-7 days of moderate cardio plus 2-3 days/week of resistance training. If you burn between 1,500 and 2,000 calories each week with exercise, you're doing just fine. But seriously, don't ignore the resistance training. Weight lifting, band, balance exercises all good for muscle strength and endurance. So get your butts in the weight room.

You want this?

You gotta do this.

Self Doubt Doody-Head

Okay, I've got something on my mind that I just think I need to put in black and white so I can deal with it directly once and for all. Ready for it?

Here it is.

I'm scared. I made a decision a little over a month ago that I haven't been acting on. There was a six hour session of jumping rope and running relays. There was a teacher training certificate involved. There are some books. There is a test in my future. Ringing any bells? No? Okay, I'll remind you.

So here's the follow up to that post. I decided that I definitely want to teach the Punk Rope class on the side a couple times a week. There are a few logistical things that must be taken care of first though. I don't have any personal trainer or group fitness trainer certifications so if I were able to start my own classes somewhere in Seattle, I would be putting myself at risk for law suits if anyone hurt themselves. And if I decided to approach other established gyms to let me teach, they (for the most part) require some sort of certification too.

I have the permission to teach Punk Rope but it looks like I need to do some studying. So, I looked up the different certifiations out there and compared them. I decided on the ACSM Certified Personal Trainer program. I ordered the books. I got my CPR class taken care of. Now all I need to do is study and schedule the proctored exam.

Like most analytical people, I'm a planner. Upon receiving my books, I quickly opened them up and put together a study schedule for myself so I can take the test in January and start the class first thing in 2010. I figured that if I would read 20 pages per day and leave a few days to take a couple practice exams, I could easily meet the goal. That was on November 5th. I read 20 pages on the first day and the second day. Then....well, I don't have to spell it out for you do I? Okay fine! I stopped. I haven't touched it since.

Why?

The first two chapters were introductory of course. I opened up the third chapter and it started throwing crazy physical motion terms at me and my eyes got wide and I'm sure they jumped right out of my head and then back in before I really knew what happened. I realized right there that I don't know shit about the body. I'm going to have to make flash cards and really dedicate myself to learning anatomy and whatever else in order to prepare for this test. I don't have any experience with that stuff. I'm a numbers girl. I count money. I play with spreadsheets. I make business decisions. I put investment portfolios together and plan for retirement and reallocate 401Ks. I don't know what supination is. Oh shit! What have I gotten myself into?

Then the self doubt hit me. Yes, that ugly little bugger came a knockin' and I opened the damn door.

Rat-a-tat-tat-tat!

• Hello?
• Salina?
• Yes. Who are you?
• It's me you silly self confident fat girl. Duh!
• Oh....hi. What do you want?
• Well, I think we should have a little chat about what is going on in your head right now. Do you really think it's a good idea for YOU to get a personal trainer certification? I mean really? You're fat. Stupid.
• Ya but, I'm losing weight. I'll be thin soon enough. And I'm healthy and active so who cares if I'm still over weight.
• What do you mean who cares? Everyone will care! You judge trainers in the gym. You won't even consider hiring a trainer in your gym because they don't look like they're in the best shape. How in the world do you expect others to take you seriously? I mean SERIOUSLY!
• Well, I'm not going to be a personal trainer in the gym. I'm going to teach a fun exercise class.
• And that's different....because?
• Um....
• That's what I thought. Maybe you should just get it out of your head. I think it would make more sense for you to focus on losing that weight then when you get to your goal, you can pick up the books and go for it. Sound like a better plan?
• Um....
• Alright then, it's settled. See ya!

I totally steamrolled myself. Logically, I can see this clear as day. I know it's ridiculous. I know that I'm just scared. I want to do it anyway. I want to prove my naysayer wrong and be proud of myself. I know I can do it. I know I'm smart enough to learn whatever I need to learn. I'm not scared of the test. It's 150 questions. I've taken harder longer tests than that before. Anyone ever take the series 7 exam? CPT exam has nothing on that bad boy, I'm sure of it. And I've had enough naysayers in my life. I don't need another one in myself. I've always pulled up my big girl britches and showed them right where they can stick it. Why am I having so much trouble doing it now?

I know I just need to power through and bitch slap that little bugger if it ever dares knock on my door again. Being honest and totally vulnerable here...I'm scared. I've still got that little voice in my head saying that I'm totally insane for even considering it.

So, what am I going to do?

First, I need to start the positive self talk around this subject...obviously. Secondly, I need to pull out the book and dig in. Just do it damn it!

So there you have it. This is me.

What are you afraid of? What do you do to overcome it?