Yesterday was a usual day for the most part. Nothing out of the ordinary or the least bit interesting struck my attention. That is, until 2:35pm when my phone rang. I was sitting at my desk hard at work. My cell phone sitting there next to my keyboard, just minding it's own business. To my amazement, the name that displayed on the overbearing screen was that of my brother. Yes folks, I have a sibling. I'm the elder of us.
The conversation started off pleasant enough for a moment or two. Then he delivered a message that my grandfather was in the hospital and not looking so good. He started describing all the horrifying symptoms he's been experiencing in the past week and how he was just to see the doctor the day before and given the clearance to go forward with a surgery to repair multiple ruptured discs in his back.
I immediately got off the phone, grabbed the hubby and rushed out the door on our way to the hospital to see him. To be honest with you, I was a little nervous. Not to see my grandfather. No. I live only about 1/2 mile from him and see him quite regularly. I had a strange feeling in my chest the night before with a sense of urgency to pay him a visit actually. I was in my jammies on Wednesday night and decided on a moment to grab my flip-flops and my keys and rush out the door at 9pm to go see him. I got to his neighborhood (he lives in a gated community) and the gate was closed and locked. So I called him and there was no answer. I figured he was just already in bed sleeping so decided I would visit him the following day. I was more nervous at the knowledge that my parents were there with him at the hospital. I haven't spoken with or seen my parents in almost a decade now. That's a very long and not so entertaining story so you'll just have to let your imagination run away with it.
Hubby and I were fighting our way through the nasty traffic of I-405 to get to the hospital when my phone rang again and it was the same caller as before. I answered the phone and I knew immediately what he was about to say. My grandfather died.
As if that isn't enough... The next piece of news was a little overwhelming. He informed me that my family was going to be meeting at my grandfather's house to discuss next steps and whatever else about his death. So then, I was not only a little shocked to get the news that my grandpa died while I was on my way to see him and that I could have saw him last night when I rushed over there, but I was also faced with the "opportunity" to break this estrangement I have from my family all in the same hour.
Not knowing what to do or how I even felt about it all, I did the only thing that felt certain. I went to the gym. I know! It sounds horrible. I must be the most heartless person on the planet. I played racquetball with hubby. I was.....numb. Then he and I went straight to grandpa's house to meet everyone. I felt like I was facing a firing squad pulling up to the driveway.
No one was there. A little confused and relieved if I might admit, I called my brother to ask what happened. Then I went home and lay on the bed staring at the ceiling for a while before climbing into the bathtub where I stayed for 2 hours. While I was in there, my phone rang again. Not wanting to be robbed of what little bit of peace I was trying to sustain in my little insignificant world, I chose to ignore the phone until after my bath.
There was a message. It was my father.
How do I feel? Je ne sais quoi.
