Weigh in Day #18

I did the coolest thing yesterday. It was so much fun, I wish I could do it again today and tomorrow and every day. I tried on every piece of clothing that I own and made a giant pile of fat clothes. Two full garbage bags of fat clothes are now on their way to the Good Will. I didn't realize how many clothes I had until I started trying everything on. The crazy thing is that I have even more clothes that remain in my possession than those that I'm getting rid of. Do you know what that means? It means that I was only able to wear a fraction of the clothes I own due to my weight. It also means that I have been holding on to a lot of clothes for a very long time waiting and hoping that I could wear them again or in some cases for the first time. I have a hand full of clothes that still have the tags on them.

It was so exilerating to put pants and skirts on that I wasn't even able to get over my hips before. I don't even remember the last time I wore a skirt. And to put on button up blouses that I wasn't even able to get close to buttoned before.

I have dreaded spring and summer for the past few years because I didn't have any clothes that I could wear. Well, I had tons of spring and summer clothes but none that fit me, so every year, it was a cruel reminder of just how much weight I let myself gain. And that was really upsetting to me for more than just the obvious reasons. I have always loved spring and summer. My absolute favorite times of the year. Everything comes to life and people start showing themselves to the world again. It's a freeing feeling, spring is. But for me, it was more of a reminder of the prison I kept myself in. It was another mirror staring back at me with a finger of disapproval. It was another failed attempt to own my body. It was more stress, more confusion, more loneliness in my own skin. But, I'm here to say that this year is oh so different. I can't wait for spring. I can't wait for summer. I can't wait to put on my favorite spring skirt and dance around my back yard barefoot among the beautiful flowers and butterflies. I can't wait to pull out my bicycle and take a leisurely ride around the neighborhood. I feel as though spring has already sprung in me and I can't wait until the climate matches the warmth and life that I feel again.  

Yes, my process has been very slow. I'm averaging about .8 lbs lost every week which to some people out there would feel like failure and perhaps might even draw a few tears to the surface. A loss is a loss, whether it's .2 or 5 lbs. The difference is not in the number, the difference is in how you feel about yourself. The difference is in how you talk to yourself. The difference is in the confidence and the belief you have in yourself. The difference is not in the scale, it is between your ears. .8 lbs lost per week still adds up to success if what you're managing is your thoughts, feelings, and beliefs. And that my friends is exactly what I'm doing. And that is what is going to make me successfull for the rest of my life. That is were the happiness resides. This excitement that I feel after trying on my clothes is just a symptom of what's real. After the clothes have become just another thing taking up space in my closet, I'll still have that feeling. That's what's real. And knowing it like I do and believing it to my core is the magic that I've always dreamt of. I'm so proud of myself for finally finding my way.

Last Week: 165lbs

This Week: 164.4lbs

15lbs gone, 44.4 to go.

Happy V Day!