LHAS 9 of 16: Stress Logic

Today, it just seems strange that I was struggling as much as I was with stress and the scale for the past couple months. I almost feel as though it was all a strange dream. Now, I'm feeling happy, peaceful, content, excited. Ok, so there is still a little stress there with the work thing and I'll be attending my grandfather's funeral service next week with the unfamily. But regardless of the stresses that come with life, I'm not feeling overwhelmed with these events.

I truly believe that stress is a choice. Stress isn't one of those things that just happens to me without my knowledge or permission. It doesn't victimize. It doesn't choose. It doesn't target. It has no agenda. Life happens, things happen and how we choose to perceive those things and then respond to our perceptions is what causes us stress. It's not the events themselves, it's our choices that cause us emotional turmoil and anxiety. Ok so there are some out there that have "chemical imbalances". I'm sure this concept doesn't apply to you at all because you're special and it's a fact because you have medication and a diagnonsense to prove it. Fine. Good for you. This isn't really meant for anyone but me anyway because I need to remind myself that I can control how I think about and react to my environment.

I've said it before but I will say it again for my own benefit - The key to managing my stress is in self care. Preventative measures seem to work best. For me, those preventative measures include maintaining an attitude of gratitude every day, getting enough sleep every night, eating a well balanced and healthful diet, regular vigorous exercise, spending time having fun with friends, quiet time reading or playing my guitar or meditating.

Long ago, I heard a Budhist theory that said the key to happiness is maintaining a healthy balance of adventure and tranquility in life. That stuck with me and I like to keep it in my mind as a life long goal. Every so often, usually when I revisit and revise my goals, I ask myself if I feel I have a healthy balance and if I'm lacking in either area, I shift my focus to better accomodate this theory.

Now if only I could figure out how to strike this balance between adventure and tranquility and maintaining it along with all the self care on a continuous basis through adversity and good times alike. If only...


LHAS Week 9
Weight Lost: 0.4lbs
Mins Exercise: 280

LHAS - 8 of 16: A Reflection

I had no post for weeks six and seven for many reasons, all of which boiled down to nothing more than pure exhaustion and an overwhelming feeling of defeat in my own life. Oh poor me, right? Well, I'll admit that I was feeling exactly that for a short period of time but I'm not here to discuss a desire for sympathy. Instead, what I'd like to talk about are the facts of my life as of late and how I chose to handle them (or not).

1. A prolonged disagreement with the bathroom scale: I'm now on week 8 of no scale movement. That little tidbit of information right there does little for patience and motivation. Unfortunately, I started finally letting it get to me and I'm sure that didn't help my cause to end the vicious cycle.
2. A new boss that is absolutely impossible to respect: My long time work buddy who also happened to be one of my managers left for another group and her replacement is a complete douche. I tried to give the poor sap the benefit of the doubt but it's been about six weeks now and he's just undeniably incompetent and so ridiculously wreaking of self importance that it makes him stink.
3. My grandfather died: With that came a discussion with my father who I haven't spoken to in almost a decade. And in a couple short weeks, I get to attend his service as he earned full military service benefits during his career as a pilot.
4. Hubby just graduated from college: The last quarter is always the hardest and I knew that would remain true in his case too. I wasn't wrong. He was crazy busy with finals and group meetings and papers and everything. We were planning his graduation party. His very unpleasant grandfather was a house guest for a few days. His father who also doesn't like me was there for the entire thing which did little for my already frayed nerves. Did I mention his mom? She's always a treat. Basically, his entire family dislikes me because I'm the evil bitch who stole him away and poisoned his mind with my sinister agenda. Whatever.
5. Self esteem: With the weight loss problems lately, the estranged family, hubby's family, graduation and all the emotional baggage that dumped on my unsuspecting head, feeling like a complete failure for quitting on my guitar, feeling like a complete retard because I can't quite figure out how to control my limbs with wheels attached to my feet, being pissed off and irritated that I allow myself to get financially raped at work while I watch monkeys throwing their cash around...I pretty much became my own worst enemy.
6. Vacation: We decided to take vacation because if I didn't get time away from everything and everyone, I might have been on the Oxygen channel with a full 30min profile about how I seemed like a nice wife and friend until I freaked out and killed everyone who looked at me.

So....ya, a little stress you might say.

I tried to remain composed and mindful and take care of myself body, mind, and soul through it all but I guess it was just too much for my little self to handle. I turned into the Grinch that stole my own sanity. Seriously, self torture at it's worst. I won't even repeat some of the things that were going through my head because, well, because I just won't. Embarrassing, disgusting, and unnecessary TMI.

The bad news is that my stress told my logic who was boss and the resulting bad attitude took me down.

The good news is that my actions didn't change. I may have been a negative black hole but I maintained the food and exercise through it all. This is where the reflection and gratitude comes in. A year ago, one of those items above would have been enough to send me running for the fridge without even realizing it. I use to emotionally eat without even realizing it. Now, I have enough self awareness to believe without a doubt that food in any flavor is not going to make me feel better and enough self control to choose what I know will help me and enough self esteem to feel good about it.

The last time I had a tiny bit of stress after losing 20lbs, I ate a slice of pie and didn't stop for 2 years. When I was done, I had gained back 35lbs. This time, it took me 8 weeks to feel renewed and the damage done is a whopping 0lbs. I'm rounding down of course. I stepped on the scale on Sunday and it showed a gain of 0.6lbs over the last 2 weeks. But, BUT....it's period time so I'm going with 0lbs lost and 0lbs gained.

And that is what I'm proud of for today.

For the LHAS purposes:
0lbs lost
320 minutes of exercise

Stress Stories

A few weeks ago when the scale wasn't moving at all, I said that I thought it was probably all about the stress. Do you remember? Stress management is so huge for me, as is true for most people I suspect. I have experienced more than my fair share of stress in life. Oh the stories I could tell you. Stories I've told others in the past have made them squirm. I've watched their eyes frantically darting around the room looking for the nearest emergency exit because they just don't know how to deal with the simple facts of my life. I've learned my lessons. Now, when people ask questions of my life, I give them a warning that the content may be unsuitable for some viewers. But anyhow, I digress.

Stress does strange things to people. Stress can easily be the cause of weight gain as I'm sure just about every living human can attest to. It can also be the cause for a plateau if you're on a weight loss journey. It can make us physically ill with just about any illness you can imagine. I ended up with mono and pleurisy at the same time as a teenager. I was so sick for about 6 weeks. I remember crawling to the bathroom to vomit and then passed out on the floor because I had no energy. It was horrible. When the doctor was trying to figure out where it came from, I had none of the risk factors and knew no one else that had been sick. The only thing he said was that I was probably just too stressed out. It can make us mentally ill as well. It can make our bodies break out in hives. I've had that happen to me before too. Hives from stress.

Story Time
My best friend and roommate years ago brought one of her work friends to move in with us without asking me. I was not fond of this other person. Erika was her name. I told my roommate as much and she begged me to just give it a little time. So Erika was living with us for about 2 weeks when it happened.

I was so stressed out about her presence and how much I disliked her that one day when I was stepping out of the shower, my roommate noticed my body covered in huge red welts. Hives! I had never had hives or any allergy before in my life so I didn't know what it was. And the roommate was freaking out, insisting that we go to the hospital. So away we went, to the hospital. They gave me Benadryl and asked about any changes in food, soap, clothes, pets, or life situations. The only new thing in my life was Erika.

The doctor confirmed it. I was allergic to her. I made him tell my roommate to her face so she knew I wasn't making it up. He did. And Erika moved out that same week.

Weird things can happen from stress too, you know. I've heard of people developing "situational narcolepsy" under extreme stress. Imagine that. Stressed out at work and just slump over sawing logs at your desk. Crazy.

I use to work with a guy who's fingernails fell off when he got stressed out. Am I the only one who thinks that's crazy and unbelievable? I wouldn't believe it at all if I hadn't actually seen it. So weird.

Wanna know the weird thing that happens to me in times of stress?

Story Time Take 2
When I was in college, my hair fell out. Yes, you read that right. My hair fell out. Like in clumps. It fell out in handfulls. We normally lose hair on a regular basis to make room for new hair growth. A normal loss is around 100 hairs per day. You probably notice it when you shower. Perfectly normal.

Well, what I experienced was definitely not normal. I felt like a cancer patient. Every day, I'd lose a couple handfulls in the shower. Then if I ran my fingers through my hair, I'd come out with another handfull. When I'd take my jacket off, I'd notice the back of it covered with stray hair. My pillow would look like a fur ball in the morning. Gross, I know. Scary was more like it though. I didn't understand it. I thought there was something seriously wrong with me. Turns out, it was just stress. When that quarter was over, I got myself a massage and rested up and my hair stopped falling out. Now I know.

I'm still not the best at managing my own stress but I definitely try. I think that's really all we can do anyway. Try. I know that I tend to overdo just about everything thinking that I'm more efficient and more productive and have more energy than any other living creature on the planet. When I realize that I bit off more than I can chew, I just bare down and push through. Then when it's all over, I realize just how much stress I was carrying and I'm forced to take better care of myself. As I get older, I am better able to maintain balance in my life but I'm not without my moments.

After taking care of myself and taking a bit of a rest from the run run run, go go go...I actually got the scale moving again. I didn't change my diet or my exercise at all. I do and eat all the same things. The only thing that is different is the level of stress I feel. Guess what...I was right. It was the stress. Amazing!

What do I do to manage my stress? Well, I think that's a different topic entirely. Stay tuned and I'll tell you.

What kinds of crazy things happen to you in times of stress?

Weigh in Day #26

I can't believe it's been 26 weeks. Oh my gosh, I just realized what that means. That means that I have now passed the point of determining sustainability. According to the lovely and wonderful ACSM, people who start a weight loss program tend to give up somewhere around the 3-6month mark. I've made it past the 6months now. Oh ya! Now I'm even more excited.

I weighed today and I'm down another pound.

Last week: 163lbs
This week: 162lbs

I know, it's weird. I haven't had a weigh in right on the dot before and now I have two in a row. And in case you have forgotten about the previous weeks (when the bitch scale wasn't moving), I also have made it move for two whole weeks in a row. WooooHoooo!

What have I done different to break through the month of nothingness? I only did one thing that I can think of.

I managed my stress.

On the wagon, off the wagon, on the wagon...

Here's a question for you.

What do you consider acceptable wagon behavior?

I hear people talk about being on the weight loss wagon and then apologize for falling off the wagon and then complain about how it's the struggle to get back on again. So, what about when someone claims to be on the wagon but their behaviors are questionable?

What do you think? Is it acceptable to....

• Eat healthful foods during the work day then throw it all out the window a couple nights a week
• Go to happy hour and "treat yourself" with a couple drinks and a shared appetizer a couple nights a week
• Commit to participating in physical activity then not show up
• Tap into your vast collection of lame excuses to get out of doing something good for you
• Say you want to take care of yourself and that it's the most important thing to you then over eat or skip out on exercise
• Make good choices for yourself during the week but allow total freedom every weekend
• Ask for advice and support then choose to ignore it
• Turn people down when they invite you to do some kind of physical activity

Just wondering what you think about these types of behaviors. To me, they say "I care but not enough to do anything that might be a little uncomfortable for a while". Or perhaps they say "It's important to me but only as long as the actions to get there are convenient". Yes I want to exercise might actually be code for "Yes I want to want to exercise" or in other words, "I really wish I wanted to exercise".

Too bad exercising actually requires the ass to leave the sofa.

I'm struggling with some of these behaviors myself. No, I'm not doing any of them. I have agreed to support someone starting their weight loss journey and I see these behaviors in that person's actions. So my struggle is in determining where to allow them a little flexibility to find and celebrate the small successes to build the much needed self esteem and where to sit them down and and wag my wholier than thou finger right in their face.

I've had another person I agreed to support in the past and she did these behaviors. I was gentle with her the first couple times then I just laid it out brutal and honest. My message was basically to shit or get off the pot. I hate that stupid saying but it works in this type of situation I think. What else is there? I mean really. If you have all the resources necessary, you have the knowledge for eating right and getting some physical acitivity, you have the motivation (such as being morbidly obese and having health related problems because of it), all that is really left is to get off your ass and walk the walk.

I understand that there is an emotional component to it. In my experience, the emotional component was what made the difference. I am not the best at maintaining a level playing field as far as my stress goes. I tend to overdo everything then clean up the stress mess when it's all done. The stress management is huge for my body to allow proper fuctioning. Self esteem is what fuels the fire deep inside me. Without believing in myself, it would be so easy to quit when times get tough. Understanding my emotions and how to affect them gives me the control to use them to my advantage in times of strength and in times of weakness.

Now if only I could bottle my knowledge and experience and education and self awareness...I really wish I could just plug my brain into theirs and download everything so they can feel the same kind of joy I feel from doing the right things for myself. If only...

Flowery Poo

Wouldn't it be just lovely if every day was just another wonderment?
Every moment was something you felt pleasured to experience?
There were no difficult days?

Well, I suppose not. If that was the case, you probably wouldn't appreciate the wonderment that exists in every moment because they would all be that way. Laws of supply and demand are non negotiable. Oh well, it was a nice thought for a moment anyway.

Today was a difficult day. Drama drama drama at work. My oh my is there drama. I apparently offended some thin-skinned little girls that work in my building by answering one of their emails containing three questions with three one-word answers followed by a "thx". I guess that's offensive, if you're socially retarded. Then, I had to sit in on a meeting with my boss and my boss' boss watching as the senior of the two ripped the other to shreds using the information that I provided (because I did my job). That wasn't fun. Then, my direct supervisor and his best buddy pulled me in for a gossip session about my privileged position as a fly on the wall. Ick! I just left work feeling tired and drained. I feel so dirty (cringe).

And to add to that, I started not feeling very well yesterday at the gym. I worked out anyway but it wasn't fun. I was planning to do it again today but I just don't have it in me. Excuse? Maybe. Legit? Maybe. I don't feel like doing anything. I really don't even have the energy to write this poo right now either but I have to make myself do these things.

Here's my promise to myself and bloggerworld:
1. I will cook my planned dinner and eat it tonight
2. I will practice my guitar tonight
3. I will track my progress for the day
4. I will read my book tonight
5. I will NOT use my stressful day as an excuse to eat garbage (I haven't caved yet and there were tons of goodies in the kitchen at work, oh except for some lovely limoncello that I'm sipping right now YUM)

I think that should be enough to keep me out of trouble...I hope. What am I missing? I don't know.

I have some good news too. Are you ready for some good news after my whining and complaining? I know I am. Okay here it is. I told you all about the Punk Rope stuff right? Well, the workshop is on Sunday so stay tuned for that story coming soon. But, I found out that more often than not, places that I would go to to teach the class require instructors to have some kind of personal trainer license or whatever. When I found this out, I thought Oh NO because I don't have anything like that. I'm the numbers girl, not the fitness guru. So, I thunk it over a little and came to this conclusion: Why the hell not?

I want my lifestyle to be one that is active and actually facilitates healthy living so, why not just go get a personal trainer license or whatever. So I looked it up and it's just a couple text books to read and a 150 question test to take. No biggie. Fine then, it's settled, I'll do it. I ordered the text books and they just came. Then, I called to schedule the test. "Do you have a CPR certification?" they said. Um...no. I'm the numbers girl, remember. Numbers girls don't do cpr, duh.

Oh great, now I need to take a cpr class too? So much for just a simple little Punk Rope workshop to teach it for fun in my spare time. Now I'm signed up to become a full fledged personal trainer if I want. Crazy!

Okay, I just realized that I said this was good news but I'm thinking it sounds more like more complaining. I'll admit that all the extra logistics did throw me off a bit and I did have the "are you sure you know what you're doing" thought. But, okay here's the good news part, I realized that it's totally not anything I would expect myself to do and it's not something I've ever had aspirations to do. It's a new path. It's a new opportunity. It's a new possibility. I don't have any intention to actually go get a job at a 24hr fitness or anything but it's nice to think that I have options for multiple streams of income if I want. And, it feels good to see an opportunity and recognize it as such and allow it to direct me down whatever path is going to unfold without grabbing the wheel with my white knuckles and forcing my agenda down the universe's throat. That's a HUGE positive for me. HUGE! Look at me...I'm growing.

There's one more thing about this news that I feel it necessary to address. I said in the not so distant past that I don't respect any of the personal trainers at my gym because most of them look like they've got some muscle on them but it's all under a layer or two of fat. Remember that post? I do, because I wrote it of course. Well, that's still true, I still feel that way. So what does that mean for me if I'm the short chubby girl getting a personal trainer cert? My answer?

I have no freakin' idea. Bet you thought I was going to have a well thought out argument with counterpoints and all? Normally, you would probably be right to expect such a thing from me but not today. Does this make me a hypocrite? A bitch? I already know I'm judgemental but that's nothing different from every other upright walking mammal on the planet. I do know though that it's not going to stop me from doing it. I don't know why but this strange little hiccup in my life feels like it's meant to teach me something or lead me somewhere. I have no idea if that's right or I'm just a complete wack job but again, I figure what the hell, what's it gonna hurt. Who knows what life will bring me when I'm being a good girl.

One more piece of good news.

Accept the award and post it on your blog, along with the name of the person who has granted the award, and his or her blog link. Pass the award to 15 other blogs that you've newly discovered. Be sure to contact the bloggers to let them know they have been chosen for this award.

The lovely Christy has honored me and my little blog with an award. Yay! I really have no idea what that means. I mean I follow a few blogs and I've seen these little things elsewhere but still don't really get it. I'm working on it though. Now, because my blog is still so small (only a handful of followers, whom I love and appreciate dearly) I definitely don't think I can come up with 15 people to pass it on to like it says. Well, I suppose I could but I'd just be giving back to the people it's already hit and I don't know if that's against the rules or whatever. I told you I'm new. So, here are the bloggers that I have been particularly enjoying.

Bitch Cakes is one of my favorites. I love sassy sexy...wait that's like me. :)
Michelle at 128 Sticks of Butter because I like how she thinks.
Mandie is kickin' that fat's ass. 3 snaps (cheezy)
Frannie is absolutely lovely finding herself.
Cere because she titled a blog Muahahaha. hehe
Nat the Fat Rat has nothing to do with weight loss and I'm pretty sure she's got just the perfect little figure but her view of the world is just delightful.
How about everyone's hero, Prior Fat Girl?
Unhappy Bellybutton because it's a catchy little name for a blog and Kira's quite entertaining.

The team over there at We Kin Get Thin.

Sorry for the long post. I guess I just had a lot to say today.

Thanks for listening. And Christy thanks for sharing the love. :)