Um...family

I read my horoscope today and here's what it said:

Today, you're somewhat concerned about your family. In a strange sort of way, you feel as if they have abandoned you, and that hurts. But don't let it eat you up. Sometimes it is necessary to put some distance between oneself and the people one loves most. After all, birds grow wings to fly...It's all part of the eternal cycle of life, there is no getting away from it. Keep your eyes on the road ahead, don't look in the rear mirror all the time. 

And it's so true. I have been thinking a lot about my family lately. Or rather, my lack thereof. I don't have any contact with my blood family for reasons that I'm starting to question the validity of now. They were all valid and true 8 years ago when I broke contact with them. I have spent so many years prior waiting and hoping that they can be the kind of people that I can respect and appreciate and the kind of people that can accept me for me. All those years ended in utter disappointment. Eventually, I just couldn't take it anymore. Me and my family are like square pegs and round holes. Even as a little kid, I didn't fit. But, I've changed a lot over the past decade. Is it insanity to think that maybe they have as well when they never did a day in my life before?

I feel like I need to be in a place where I can accept them exactly as they are or exactly as they were, whichever is more true today, in order to be around them. And I need to not want or hope or expect them to change. They are who they are and I need to be okay with that, even if it's not my way. The problem is that I don't respect them. I never have. I don't like the kind of people they were when I knew them. As a child of 7 years old, I looked at my parents and thought "what is wrong with these people?". I was told that all kids go through that. The problem is that I never came out of it. As a very responsible and respectable adult, I still look at them and think the same thing.

I've never really felt a strong sense of family in the Leave it to Beaver, Family Ties sort of way. My family was more like Roseanne with a nice big helping of drugs, alcohol, and abuse added in there. Realizing that I don't have any real experience to base it on except for how Hubby and I get along, here's what my idea of family is. Family are the people you choose to share your life with. Families face the world together. Families have issues and they work through them. Families talk. Families cry. Families yell. Families laugh. Families love. Families share themselves with each other. Families make mistakes. Families forgive each other. Families challenge each other. Families support each other. Family is a place to be yourself. Family feels like home.

These are the things that I've wanted from my family. They are also the things that I've never gotten from my family. Well, I've gotten some of them, and not others. Mistakes, yelling, crying, laughing were always there. It was the other stuff that was missing or at least very sparse.

Maybe I just have outrageous expectations. Maybe I judge too harshly. Maybe I'm just selfish. Maybe I'm just lonely.

I will admit that I am selfish. All my life, I've looked at my family through the filter of what I think I should be getting from them or what I think I should have gotten from them. I've evaluated our relationships or lack thereof through the filter of what I've tried to do and conversations I've tried to have. Or what I think they as parents, grandparents, aunts, uncles should have or should not have done as the adults in my life. I don't know maybe that's a normal way of looking at family. Maybe not. Normal family is not something I understand very well. I look at it all now and see the opportunity to change my perception or how I choose to judge the same situation by slightly altering my motives. Perhaps I chose to view my family not as a source of anything but an opportunity to give instead?

That could be a tricky little thing now, couldn't it. Inviting my family back into my life with the intention to give rather than take? Seriously? That has the potential for immediate sainthood written all over it. Or...

I have a nephew. I've never met him. I have a brother who is a dad now. I've always dreamt of the day that I could be the cool Auntie Salina (or Nina as I was know to my family). You know, the Auntie that takes the kid to do the fun stuff that mom and dad never would or never could. I'd love to be the one to teach the kid about the world outside of his parents' experiences. Plays, musicals, concerts, tennis, iceskating, skiing, sailing, cooking, literature, etc. Why don't I just suck it up and do it? Fear of what doors that will open up I guess. Not sure if I'm ready or willing to deal with whatever lies on the other side of those doors.


What got me thinking about all this family business? Well, the in-laws are now estranged. Papa in law has decided that he doesn't like me and has been refusing to speak to us for 6 months now. Mama in law has never liked me, big surprise there. Grandpa in law has been talkin' some smack about me too. Oh boy am I a popular one. Just so you know, they're all wrong in their opinions about me. They've all judged the outside without getting to know the inside. My grandparents dropped by for a surprise visit on Christmas Eve. They came in, ran around my house in a tizzy and left just as quickly and unexpectedly as they had arrived. My grandma is like a tornado, and grandpa is just sort of the dust cloud that follows. Married for over 50 years, somethings got to be working. And one of my resolutions this year is to meet my nephew.
 
What ever shall I do?