Mental Call-Waiting

I've decided to do something here. Yes it's another one of my grand ideas. We'll see how it goes. :)

I've decided to post something about each of the goals I've set for myself this year. The first one I'm going to talk about is the ACSM study and exam.

This goal is like the iceberg to my Titanic. Is that a big enough analogy to make it clear just how freakin' intimidated I am by this goal? I'm scared shitless. That's a stupid saying. I can't believe I just used it. Spaghetti brain break, sorry, I'm back now. Anyway, I am. I'm terrified of this goal.

For those of you that don't know what I'm talking about, I'm talking about the American College of Sports Medicine exam to become a Certified Personal Trainer. A few months ago, I took a workshop to learn how to teach an exercise class that is the best thing in the world. Punk Rope. Go look it up. It's awesome. So, after taking the workshop I did a bit of research and found that in order to be able to teach it with any reputable gym or on my own, I'm going to need some sort of certification whether personal trainer or group fitness instructor. So I did some more looking and decided that I would do the ACSM personal trainer program because 1. it's the best, 2. it would give me more flexibility to actually do work as a personal trainer in addition to the Punk Rope class if I should so decide it interests me, 3. I'm interested in learning everything I can about health and fitness for my own benefit. I ordered the books, I got my cpr training done, I read 2 chapters of the main study guide, and that's where it stopped. I got to the chapter that starts talking about anatomy and kinesiology and I froze. My eyes popped out of my head and I slowly closed the book, slid it under the couch, and went on with my life pretending that it wasn't there waiting for me.

What has been happening in my head for the past couple months during the procrastination? Thoughts that might resemble:

• You are in way over your head here.
• You don't know anything about anatomy or biology or whatever. You do numbers, not body functions and movements and joints and ligaments and bones and tendons and muscles.
• What were you thinking getting yourself into this mess?
• Why would you even think about getting a personal trainer certification let alone teaching a punk rope class? Crazy!
• Even if you do study and pass the test, you're still fat. Duh!
• Who's going to take you serious as a fitness instructor, even if it is just a little something on the side of your normal finance gig?

So there you have it. A glimpse into the nasty little world of negative self talk alla Salina.

I have since picked up that huge honkin' text book and started digging into it. I have no idea what I'm reading. I don't understand any of it. I'm trying to but I just feel like I'm trying to read a novel before I've learned to read anything at all. You know, how a baby will open a book and start "reading" aloud, only it's not words coming out of their mouth but rather gibberish. Yup. That's how I feel.

I looked through the rest of the topics that I have to cover and I think the rest is totally doable. I have to study exercise prescription, health appraisal, medical considerations, nutrition and weight management, safety, outcome assessment, and behavior modication in addition to the science stuff. I think I can suck the rest of the stuff up with limited struggles but getting through the science part of it just feels momentus. And the science stuff accounts for 24% of the test. That means there are potentially about 30 questions about the scary stuff. That's the second biggest portion of the test next to exercise prescription.

The test has been scheduled. Sunday, March 14th, 10am. I have to arrive at 9:30am to get all signed in and sat down in front of my proctored exam. They allow almost 3 hours to complete it so I will be out of there by 1pm. Just in time to take a few shots of some nice brown liquor (the Jameson that resides in my golf bag) and head over to my guitar lesson.

I will say this: I'm proud of myself for choosing to face this horror and attempt to wrestle it to the ground. I'm usually very excited to take on challenges and push myself beyond what I'm comfortable with. I typically do that without realizing it. I jump in with both feet then realize I'm in the deep end. It's usually my husband that points out the obvious. Goes something like this:

Hubby: Um...honey? Think maybe you overestimated your abilities again?
Me: Naaaa. I can do it. (Then I proceed to give him a long laundry list of exactly how I can do it and how my plan is flawless)
Hubby: Um....I think maybe you're overestimating your abilities again. Are you sure there's enough hours in the day to get all that stuff done?
Me: Naaaa. There's more than enough time. See? (Then I show him the calendar that I created with my list of to-do items slotted in their respective times) If I just follow my schedule, I'll be fine. See?
Hubby: Um....honey? I don't think there's enough hours in the day to get all that done. And what about this, this, this, that, that, and this?
Me: No problem! Don't worry so much. I can do it. Watch me!

So, I'm in the deep end. I want to do it though. I want to take on this challenge. I want to succeed so I break the fear barrier and redefine how I see myself now. I've been overweight and strugging with my body, my self image, my self esteem for over a decade now. I can remember when I was thin and felt cute and sexy and petite. I was a teenager but I still remember feeling comfortable in my clothes. I remember viewing myself as the pretty girl in the room. Now and for the past 10 years or so, I see myself as the skinny girl in a fat suit. And because the fat suit hasn't come off for good, I have judged myself and put myself down. I've attached the "fat chick" stereotype to myself and it sucks. I want it gone.

My wise and wonderful guitar instructor said this: "The solution is through the fear". Yes, we talk about the meaning of life and solve all the world's problems together as he teaches me to play my classical guitar. He's right. The only way to get through any fear is to just face it, full frontal assault, and conquer it. Once you face it and get through it, you tend to realize that it's not nearly as scary as you thought. I know this logic, I understand this logic, I accept this logic. I'm just still scared and intimidated.

But I'm doing it anyway, even with the mental what-if game. What if you do your best to prepare and still don't get it? What if you aren't ready for this level of challenge yet? What if you go into the testing center, sit down and aren't able to answer the science questions? What if you don't PASS the test? What if you haven't given yourself enough time to prepare? What if there's key information that you're missing? What if you're a complete wack job?

I'm puting that mental what-if game on hold. Out with the negative self-talk and all the self-doubt that is apparently running amuck. In with positive self-talk, encouragement, focus, dedication, peace, and tranquility.

How do you like this for some positive visualization?