Where's my Wind?

I'm feeling very deflated. I've got no wind. I've got no drive. I've got no desire. I've got nothing. I feel.....empty.

I think I'd like to crawl under a rock and hide. Or maybe retail therapy will be good. Or maybe I can get my hair cut. Do my nails. Clean my house. Pluck my eyebrows. Play mindless iphone games. Put a puzzle together. Read some Jane Austen.


On to another thought.

Yesterday when I got to the gym, there was a fire truck and two ambulances outside. I didn't see anything going on inside so I figured someone had broken something or whatever. I went into the locker room and got changed, filled up my water bottle, and headed straight for the stairs to go up to cardioland. I was stopped by an officer. They had the upstairs blocked off. No one allowed.

I grabbed my phone to text work out buddy. I didn't know what was going on but I thought I'd warn her that cardio was closed. I walked up toward the front of the big room and looked back. I could see them doing CPR on someone. Then a girl on a machine next to me said they had been working on him for a while now. It was right then that I saw them stop. He died. Time of death: 4:23pm.

Work out buddy showed up moments later. What are you to do in such a situation? Plan is to work out. But someone just died in the middle of it all. Is it wrong to continue on with your work out? Disrespectful somehow? Well, I grabbed the jump ropes from my gym bag and we found an empty racquetball court and did the work out anyway. It felt a little weird. We didn't go as hard or as long as we usually go but we did try.

So, of course it got me thinking about the now deceased. Wondering what he was thinking about all day? Wonder if he frequents the gym or if it was a first gallant attempt to change his ways and convert to a healthy lifestyle? Wonder if he voluntarily came to the gym or if he caved to the wife's request begrudgingly? Wonder if he was a happy person? Wonder if he had known health problems or it was seemingly out of the blue? Wonder if he had any unresolved grudges or issues? Wonder if he wished he had done something different that day that he didn't have a chance to correct? Wonder what kind of person he was? Wonder who loved him? Wonder who didn't? Wonder what he ate that day? Wonder what was going through his mind?

I'd expect that after witnessing such an event it would make just about anyone appreciate their life a little more. I'd expect that the majority of people would go home and hug their significant other and tell their children they love them. I'd expect that most would think a little bit more about their health before chowing down on the greasy pizza for dinner. It didn't do any of those things to me. Instead, it made me sad to think about my own life as it is. I love my husband and he knows it. I love my friends and I'm pretty sure they know it. I love my family and I don't know if they know it because of the distance and current happenings. Don't get me wrong, I love my life. I do. I'm just so confused about why others don't seem to love theirs enough to accept others as they are.

Why are people so petty? Why is it so impossible for people to see beyond themselves? Why is it so difficult to just ask why? Why can't people just talk? Why can't we just say what we feel? Why is it a challenge to admit when we're wrong and to forgive others? Why are relationships so damn difficult? Why are people so damn sensative?

Life is too short.