Self Doubt Doody-Head

Okay, I've got something on my mind that I just think I need to put in black and white so I can deal with it directly once and for all. Ready for it?

Here it is.

I'm scared. I made a decision a little over a month ago that I haven't been acting on. There was a six hour session of jumping rope and running relays. There was a teacher training certificate involved. There are some books. There is a test in my future. Ringing any bells? No? Okay, I'll remind you.

So here's the follow up to that post. I decided that I definitely want to teach the Punk Rope class on the side a couple times a week. There are a few logistical things that must be taken care of first though. I don't have any personal trainer or group fitness trainer certifications so if I were able to start my own classes somewhere in Seattle, I would be putting myself at risk for law suits if anyone hurt themselves. And if I decided to approach other established gyms to let me teach, they (for the most part) require some sort of certification too.

I have the permission to teach Punk Rope but it looks like I need to do some studying. So, I looked up the different certifiations out there and compared them. I decided on the ACSM Certified Personal Trainer program. I ordered the books. I got my CPR class taken care of. Now all I need to do is study and schedule the proctored exam.

Like most analytical people, I'm a planner. Upon receiving my books, I quickly opened them up and put together a study schedule for myself so I can take the test in January and start the class first thing in 2010. I figured that if I would read 20 pages per day and leave a few days to take a couple practice exams, I could easily meet the goal. That was on November 5th. I read 20 pages on the first day and the second day. Then....well, I don't have to spell it out for you do I? Okay fine! I stopped. I haven't touched it since.

Why?

The first two chapters were introductory of course. I opened up the third chapter and it started throwing crazy physical motion terms at me and my eyes got wide and I'm sure they jumped right out of my head and then back in before I really knew what happened. I realized right there that I don't know shit about the body. I'm going to have to make flash cards and really dedicate myself to learning anatomy and whatever else in order to prepare for this test. I don't have any experience with that stuff. I'm a numbers girl. I count money. I play with spreadsheets. I make business decisions. I put investment portfolios together and plan for retirement and reallocate 401Ks. I don't know what supination is. Oh shit! What have I gotten myself into?

Then the self doubt hit me. Yes, that ugly little bugger came a knockin' and I opened the damn door.

Rat-a-tat-tat-tat!

• Hello?
• Salina?
• Yes. Who are you?
• It's me you silly self confident fat girl. Duh!
• Oh....hi. What do you want?
• Well, I think we should have a little chat about what is going on in your head right now. Do you really think it's a good idea for YOU to get a personal trainer certification? I mean really? You're fat. Stupid.
• Ya but, I'm losing weight. I'll be thin soon enough. And I'm healthy and active so who cares if I'm still over weight.
• What do you mean who cares? Everyone will care! You judge trainers in the gym. You won't even consider hiring a trainer in your gym because they don't look like they're in the best shape. How in the world do you expect others to take you seriously? I mean SERIOUSLY!
• Well, I'm not going to be a personal trainer in the gym. I'm going to teach a fun exercise class.
• And that's different....because?
• Um....
• That's what I thought. Maybe you should just get it out of your head. I think it would make more sense for you to focus on losing that weight then when you get to your goal, you can pick up the books and go for it. Sound like a better plan?
• Um....
• Alright then, it's settled. See ya!

I totally steamrolled myself. Logically, I can see this clear as day. I know it's ridiculous. I know that I'm just scared. I want to do it anyway. I want to prove my naysayer wrong and be proud of myself. I know I can do it. I know I'm smart enough to learn whatever I need to learn. I'm not scared of the test. It's 150 questions. I've taken harder longer tests than that before. Anyone ever take the series 7 exam? CPT exam has nothing on that bad boy, I'm sure of it. And I've had enough naysayers in my life. I don't need another one in myself. I've always pulled up my big girl britches and showed them right where they can stick it. Why am I having so much trouble doing it now?

I know I just need to power through and bitch slap that little bugger if it ever dares knock on my door again. Being honest and totally vulnerable here...I'm scared. I've still got that little voice in my head saying that I'm totally insane for even considering it.

So, what am I going to do?

First, I need to start the positive self talk around this subject...obviously. Secondly, I need to pull out the book and dig in. Just do it damn it!

So there you have it. This is me.

What are you afraid of? What do you do to overcome it?