Stop shoulding all over myself...an Eeyore moment

You may or may not have noticed lately that I've been slightly absent in the land of blogz. I did and still do have it on my list of action items for success to blog daily but I most definitely have not met that goal. Why?

Well, I don't exactly know. I know, very imformative right? I have suspicions though and want to put them out there for the world and for myself to see. There's just something about puting it all on the table to deal with out in the open that sheds much needed light to realize just how silly and petty it all really is.

My suspicion is...self doubt. There I said it. Yes, I doubt myself sometimes. Lately, I've been challenging myself with some things that are way out of my comfort zone and I'm doubting my abilities and knowledge.

The Case of Punk Rope

I attended the instructor training workshop last year and fell in love with it. I decided there that I wanted to bring Punk Rope to Seattle. Then I found out that I would need to have some kind of personal trainer or group fitness instructor certification in order to make it actually happen. What? A challenge? Bring it on. So, I found the hardest most advanced certification out there and decided to do it. ACSM Personal Trainer Certification. Oh that was a challenge. But I did it. I studied (not understanding much of what I read), I took the exam, I passed. Awesome right? Well, yes and...no. Yes it was/is awesome that I pushed through and did the damn thing and did it well.

The "No" part is where I'm shoulding on myself here. Not awesome because now it means that it's time for me to overcome the mental limitations and unhealthy beliefs here.

Let the Shoulding begin:

• Personal trainers should be thin and fit and I'm not...not yet anyway
• Yes I passed the exam but I should be much more knowledgable about the ins and outs of personal training than I am
• I should be at least a little experienced in order to convince a YMCA or a gym to hire me to teach a Punk Rope class and I'm not
• I should feel confident teaching other people to jump rope and do different calisthenics and stuff but I don't

The Case of the Guitar

January of 2009, one of my New Year's resolutions was to finally learn to play my guitar. I had it for several years just sitting in a closet collecting dust. I took it out a couple times and tried to figure out a couple chords but really had no idea what I was doing. So, I found myself the best damn classical guitar instructor in all the land. I started taking weekly lessons and learning the basics so I can someday become a competent classical guitar player. I never wanted to go pro or anything. I just want to be able to pick up a Bach piece and learn to play it. I want to be able to listen to Tarrega and say "I know how to play that song".

For the first few months of lessons, I was doing great. I was learning a ton and having fun. I was practicing and noticing a real improvement from week to week. I was progressively getting better in every way. Then I came to a place where no matter what I did, I just felt completely incompotent. I'd pick it up and my fingers would feel frozen. I'd read the music and go cross-eyed. It seemed that everything I had learned to play just fell out of my head and overnight became ugly when I attempted it.

Practicing was becoming no fun anymore. It was just one miserable failure after another. So what else is there to do than to just stop practicing. Duh! I know how stupid that sounds, that's why I must say it. No matter how illogical it is, that's exactly what happened. That's exactly what I did, I stopped practicing. Then I'd go to my lesson every week with my tail between my legs. No fun, no fun, and more no fun.

Let the Shoulding begin:

• I've been taking lessons for over a year, I should be able to play real music by now
• I should be noticing improvement every week like I did before
• I should be better at this by now, maybe I just suck at playing the guitar and it's just not my thing
• I should be getting joy from playing my guitar, it shouldn't be stressful
• I should want to practice more even if I'm struggling

I realize that some of those statements are actually true to a point. It's more me disappointing myself by not just practicing and pushing through this wall I am faced with that is making all the shoulding above unhealthy.

The Case of the Money

I work with and for a team of executives. My job is essentially to observe and report. I do all kinds of fun number crunching and analysis and budgeting and training and blah blah blah too. But the basis of it all is observe and report. (I'm really downplaying my job here...A LOT, just so you know)

It's the executives' jobs to manage contracts and make decisions and implement programs and processes to manage various businesses. Well, for quite a while now, I've been asked to babysit one of these executives. The executive reminds me of this:

This executive doesn't really understand much of anything about anything. They are in way over their head in every way. Pissing people off, destroying long standing successful relationships, blowing budget by hundreds of thousands of dollars, etc. They are just a mess in every way. Well, I've come in and taken the reigns to repair damage once before then the reigns were turned back over to the executive (not my decision). Now, months later, all hell has broken loose again. Actually it broke loose immediately but has taken a few months to get to the point of disaster again. Now, I'm being called back in to scoop all the poop, again.

Oh my gosh, it's a great thing, some of you might think. I'm obviously competent and reliable and the executives trust and respect my work and opinions. Yay for me! Well, yes, all that is true of course. And I am very happy about that. BUT....

Let the Shoulding begin:

• Executive makes at least twice the money I make. They get paid xxx,xxx to fuck everything up. I get paid xx,xxx to put it all back together again. I SHOULD be the one making the xxx,xxx, especially with the amount of experience and education I have, not to mention the common sense.
• Executive doesn't understand anything about anything even after I explain it in googoo gaagaa terms. I should be the one with the cush job. Traveling, benefits, exposure, etc.

The Case of the Roller Skates

I discovered roller derby last year when I met one of the Rat City RollerGirls at the Punk Rope workshop I mentioned above. Then I went to a bout and had to try it. I bought myself some skates and pads and all the fun stuff with the idea that I would just need to go to a normal roller rink a couple times to get comfortable on wheels then I'd be able to join the derby practice league and learn to do real roller derby. Well, I did all that. I practiced and got to a point of feeling more stable on wheels.

Then I went to the derby practice league. I knew I was a novice, of course. But I didn't realize I was as much a novice as I was/am. I loved the experience I had there, don't get me wrong. In fact, I loved it so much that I was determined to go every week from then on out. Good intensions, all of them.

Let the Shoulding begin:

• I should be better at this after practicing a couple times every week
• I should be able to figure out this cross over stuff, it's not that hard (not)
• I'm active, I should be able to get in enough practices to improve so I can hang with the derby practice league chicas
• Friends who've said they want to go skating with me should do what they said and actually show up
• People who committed to skating with me once a week should follow through with their commitments
• I should enjoy skating for practice even if I go by myself (even though it's no fun all by myself)

Now, since I just spent the last how ever many words complaining about how lame everything is... I think it's absolutely necessary to end on a positive note.

I see my doubts are just silly and unproductive, of course. They don't serve any purpose at all. I'm getting nothing from them.

So this is what I am going to do...

The Case of Punk Rope - I am going to study one of the lesson plans and run through a class with my workout buddy and hubby a couple times so I can have some kind of confidence before diving in. Then, I'm going to call all the YMCAs in the area and talk to the programs director at the gym I go to and offer to do a demo class so they can see what it's all about.

The Case of the Guitar - I'm going to pick up my guitar and practice, starting with the basics again. I'm going to walk through it because playing the guitar really does make me happy when I'm not shoulding all over myself.

The Case of the Money - I'm going to just suck it up and do my job. I know I'm in the right place with the right people and it is leading me to the next step in my career. I'm just going to be patient and humble and allow the universe to direct me rather than the other way around.

The Case of the Roller Skates - I'm going roller skating with or without the friends who don't do what they say they will do because it's something I enjoy and something I want to do for me.

It's time to suck it up Princess!

Oh and check this out!