Doubt it!
I just made it up!
Well, ladies and folks, this has been a rough week. I've been a little all over the place, mentally and emotionally speaking. You could probably get away with calling me a little crazy, although I wouldn't suggest it. I've been irritable as irritable can be, I've been wallowing in self pity for very little reason in reality but who looks at reality when I have such a convincing story line playing in my head, I've been motivated, I've been hopeless, I've been inspired, I've been void of all creative ability, I've been wired, I've been peaceful. Let's face it, I have been out of my mind this week.
Who knows what started me off on my crazy ride. It just comes out of thin air most of the time. But I do know what started getting me propped up right again. Jules....you little devil. She did this post on her Bombshell blog, which led me to do this post on my little blog. And that led me to having all kinds of thoughts and ideas flying around in my head. I'm a spaghetti brain most of the time anyway but it's been freaking like it was on crack this week. Thanks a lot Jules. ;)
Once I got through the self loathing and pouty poor me shit (which does happen every few months or so) I started just letting my brain go where she wanted and do what whe wanted. Instead of controling my thoughts and making plans and taking decisive action on anything right away, I decided to let it all just sit and ferment in my head for a while. It's still not properly spoiled yet so don't go thinking that I'm going to get to a wonderful exclamation point decision by the end of the post or anything.
A wonderful thing did happen though. Yesterday, I was sore from all the weight training on Wednesday and was not even close to possessing the ability to hold myself up without assistance let alone perform any kind of yoga pose. So I went home and sat on the couch feeling sorry for myself just a little. I pulled out my Pretty Fat book and started reading a couple chapters. I have no idea what I read though because I was paying more attention to what was happening in my head than what was on the page. My head was talking to me. She was saying things like...
Why are you sitting in here reading and pouting because you couldn't do yoga?
It's a beautiful day outside, go do something.
Just because you can't do yoga or run a marathon doesn't mean you can't do everything.
It's not too late to turn that frown upside down. (ya, my head is a total dork)
Go put your swim suit on and head down to the gym.
Go swimming!
That's a great activity to do when you're sore.
It's good for your muscles.
It's good for your entire body.
It's good for you to give me a little break too. I love it when you let me relax while you're swimming. Go swimming dummy!
So, I actually listened to her. I put my book away and went to the gym. I swam 20 laps in about 40 minutes. The entire time was spent just watching the thoughts flow through my head. Ideas were coming. Creativity was flying. Good things were happening in my head. She really does like it when I give her a break to just do her magic. Sneaky sneaky...
I watched an entire story line of my life over the next 5 years play out with every stroke and turn I took.
Lap 1 was where I am now. I was just in the moment. I was drawn to how my horribly sore muscles were feeling with the resistance of the water. They weren't so bad in the water. I felt a little twinge on the first turn though, when I pushed off the wall. My little quads yelled at me. Ouch, take it easy would ya!
Lap 5 was right around this time next year. Swim dreaming about the book I will be writing and researching. Where was I sitting. Where was I living. Where was I working. What was I thinking. How was I organizing the creative process in my head. In the past, when I've thought about writing a book, I would get a little tense with the To-Do list running of all the things I needed to learn and didn't know and the self doubt, oh... all the self doubt. But lap 5 had me swim dreaming about the joy in the process and ideas for the book.
Lap 10 was the fun and excitement and anxiety and adventure in selling the book. It was the window of time where I've done the writing and the story is complete. It's time to sell it and promote it and make it known to the world. It was seamless. The process was so much fun and rewarding. I wasn't worried about it. There was no fear or doubt, just excitement.
Lap 15 was the calm after the initial adventure. All the hard work for the book was over for the most part and I found myself wondering around my life looking at where I was and who I had become and what I had done with the past couple years of my life and it made me want to cry. Not tears of sadness or pain or regret, but tears of joy and fulfillment and pride. Note: Swim crying is not recommended.
Lap 20 was the hint of the next chapter. Well, more than a hint I suppose. It was more like a super fast slide show of images from my future. There were tall buildings, airplanes, lots of people, checks, my phone kept ringing, meetings, hotels, language classes, translators, hiking boots, a safari hat, I was wearing kakhi shorts and a tank top and looked super cute I might add, a circus tent, a camera in my face, a wireless microphone wrapped around my head, etc.
What it all means? I haven't the foggiest idea yet. That's why I'm still letting it sit and stew a bit longer. We'll see what she can come up with.
