Yes that's right. It's a conundrum. Emotions do tend to puzzle me so. Okay, so here's the thing. Totally honest and exposed. I want to be liked. I know, it's like a big "Duh..." moment for well, probably everyone. For me though, it's really difficult to admit that. I'm strong willed (stubborn), opinionated (judgemental), honest (sometimes mean and insensative although it's never my intention) and very difficult to get close to. I don't tend to trust easily. And when my trust is broken, it's almost impossible to get it back. So, that's what people tend to see on the outside. That's what I show of who I am. Analyze me if you want. I'm sure you won't come up with anything I haven't already disected in 10 different ways, but I'm open to your interpretation.
The truth of me is so much more than what others see. Isn't that always the case though? We only show the world what we're comfortable showing and we leave the insecurities locked up in that creepy closet under the stairs. I'm an emotional person. I'm pretty good at dealing with my own emotions but horribly inept when it comes to dealing with other's. But even my own emotions can be puzzling at times. For instance, I'm not easily offended. Let me clarify. You can say just about anything to me as long as you're being honest and speaking from the heart, meaning, you're not maliciously trying to hurt me, and I won't take offense to it in the least. But if I feel slighted by someone I care about, it destroys me.
A tough exterior has it's place of course, but it doesn't tend to bode well in building relationships. It takes an equally tough and persistent person to stick around long enough to see the soft mooshy me on the inside. And let me tell you, the soft mooshy me is very soft and very mooshy. I'll admit it. I love with my whole heart. I give my all to those quality individuals brave enough to break me down. I'm probably the most loyal person you'll ever meet, I'm incredibly generous, supportive, honest, ethical, and ambitious as all get up.
Just in case you're wondering, this post is not in response to any one situation or any one person, nor is it to send a message to anyone in particular, or elicit any responses from anyone. Just wanted to get that out there.
Where did this come from then? The answer: blogging.
I started blogging just to have a journal. I tried oh I don't even know how many times to write in a paper journal and just couldn't make it a habit. Then I discovered blogging. I started my Living Active blog as a way to keep myself interested in exercising. Then I realized that I had more to say and think about when it came to losing weight so I thought it made sense to do it aside from Living Active, which is how this little blog came to be. Never ever ever did I think I'd want or look forward to exchanging comments and building friendships with other bloggers when I started. But you know what....that's exactly what has happened. I look forward to reading your comments and your blogs. I get excited to find out if I got any new followers and to rush right over to your profiles to find out what kind of stuff you're all up to. The comments I do leave for others are always intended to be supportive and encouraging. I really am excited for your successes. And I really do want to do whatever I can to help in your struggles.
Pitty pot for a moment if I may. And let me preface with a few things. I know it's not a popularity contest. I know my blog is not for anyone but me. I know it's my journey. I know it's for my benefit. But...I lost a follower. I only had 24 to start with and yesterday, I lost one. I see others out there who started near the same time I did who have hundreds of followers. So here's where I get totally psychotic and pathetic. Brace yourself. What's wrong with me? Am I scaring people away? Am I rude, offensive, distasteful, negative, boring? Do I swear too much? Or is it that I just don't tend to show you my weakness? Or is there some mysterious place where all these followers come from that I didn't get the memo about?
I've always known that I'm a bit of an acquired taste and can be a little rough around the edges at times. Those are qualities that have served me pretty darn well over the years. But, I realize now that I'm not the same person I once was. I'm definitely not in the same environment I once was where those qualities were useful or even necessary. I've become more accepting of others, less judgy from atop my soapbox than I once was, more considerate of other's feelings. But, what I haven't done much of is to open that creepy closet door and let others see what's in there. So, I think this is just my way of giving myself permission to do that and give whoever wants a peak the chance to snoop around.
Thanks for being here.
3 comments:
Blogging truly is more than just a place to write. I remember the first time I lost a follower or the weeks of no comments. That self exam of WTF..... What did I do?
Giving permission to yourself for whatever you need to do is a perfect thing to do! Open the door, even if its just a crack to stick your big toe out!
First off I wanted to say kudos for being so open and honest about yourself. Secondly...I too look so forward to new comments and followers. It's funny to see how something can start to become so important to us, but I completely feel the same way.
Okay, I get you. I can't stand it when I perceive that somebody doesn't like me. Drives me totally batshit crazy if I am to be totally honest.
But I really want to address the follower thing, because I wrote about this a while back and Jack Shit gave me a great response. He said that it happens to him all the time, and not to spend a second worrying about it because it probably has nothing to do with somebody purposefully un-following you. People close old email accounts, take down their old blogs and close their blogger accounts, Google reader goes mad and loses all of the blogs that somebody follows. All kinds of stuff. And I watch my followers like a hawk - and in just the last week since blogging about Couch to 5K, IN ONE DAY I lost 3 followers, then by the end of the day had gained 8. It's just the name of the game.
My followers REAALLY increased when I started tweeting, too. Just sayin.
OH! And, my life changed when I went and had my gait analyzed at the sporting goods store and I bit the bullet and got good shoes. Not even just for this jogging business. I always assumed some of my ankle/foot achiness, or knee hip achiness was just due to being a fatass, but now that I'm wearing shoes with proper support (I do wear sneaks probably 75% of the time I'm not working out) lots of that has improved or disappeared. So, there's my other two cents.
Okay, hotass, keep writing.
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