It's Amazing

There's a trend. Wondering if it's the moon or the tides or some other invisible faceless force. People seem to be losing motivation and waning interest in themselves and their goals. Doubt. Powerlessness. Indifference. What is it? What's happening to everyone? Why?

I definitely know what it feels like as I've been in that space so many times before. I've stared in the face of my worst enemy. I've walked through a dark alley knowing that I was being watched and perhaps...followed. I've felt the not so gentle nudge of justification. I've been tempted by all the tempting temptations.

I first got fat 12 years ago. I had problems with my family. Too many and too complicated to discuss in this forum. But they were so unbearable that soon thereafter I left them in that time and they were no longer invited to participate in my life. I had a newish man in my life. He had his own issues and past that oozed into our new life together. So much so that he felt it necessary to give me an ultimatum to protect his very delicate lifestyle. I had to choose between being with him and enjoying a luxury I had become accustomed to in my extracurricular social activities. Again, a little too involved to discuss here and now.

I chose him. I chose to see where a young relationship could go and to support my newish man in his brave new life. My friends did not support my decision. Not because of what I was choosing to give up. Not because they didn't like him. It was because they viewed the ultimatum in and of itself regardless of it's content or purpose as inappropriate and my man's way of not accepting me as I was. And my wonderful friends didn't think that I should have to change my life or choices to meet his needs whatever they might be.

I chose him anyway. I viewed it as a no contest type of situation. In my mind, it would have been silly to choose the luxury over a potential life of happiness. I at least wanted to see where we could go if anywhere. Soon, it became very clear to me how strongly they all felt. Every one of my friends decided they could not participate in my life anymore.

Not too long after that, the new man that I had chosen to be with decided that he needed to take a job that required him to travel. When he proposed this new job opportunity to me, I was not excited about it to say the least. I just lost my family and every friend in my life. All I had left was him. He took the job anyway. His job took him to all ends of the planet for weeks at a time and he would come home for a couple days before flying away again and again.

That had to be one of the lowest times in my life. I was all alone with no friends, no family, no fun, no tools to deal with it. I went to work during the day, I grabbed a value meal from one of the many fast food options out there on my way home, I shoved it down my throat as fast as I could, I sat on the couch and watched tv, then I would cry myself to sleep alone every night. This happened for too long, longer than I care to admit. It was such a dramatic change in my lifestyle that I gained 80lbs in about 4 months.

Since then, I've lost anywhere between 5 and 35 pounds, a dozen times or so. Of course, gaining back every pound. I've tried everything. And everything worked separately, temporarily. I've hired the professionals. I've read more books about diet and exercise than most health and fitness professionals.

One thing I never tried though was everything together. I've never tried fixing whatever happens in my head to cause me to sabotage myself. I've never tried changing my lifestyle to support health and well being and happiness. I've never tried real self care.

This time, that is exactly what I'm doing. I've been on this path for 3 weeks now so I'm still a baby and still learning to walk but it feels AMAZING. Something is happening to me that I've never really experienced before. Something is working in my life that has never really worked before. Colors look more vivid, sounds appear more crisp, flavors are more intense. Senses are heightened. Life is something to be appreciated.

Please don't waste your own opportunities. Please don't make decisions that you know you will end up regretting and torturing yourself because of it. Make yourself proud of you. Take care of yourself how you take care of everyone you love in your life.